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Sparkly Poo
Feb. 3rd, 2010 09:14 pmToday Ali and I made the mistake of watching Twilight. (Insert a record setting chain of expletives and other phrases not safe for work or children) It was the biggest piece of shit I've seen in a long time. It wasn't even the complete castration of anything remotely resembling vampire mythology, It wasn't the terrible narrative whose protagonist's does nothing for herself, and antagonist doesn't even appear until three quarters of the story have already passed.
I couldn't wrap my head around the most chest hair I've ever seen on a seventeen year old boy. Or the white make-up caked on over his stubble that was so obvious we didn't even need HD to see it. That is just shoddy film making. The actress that played Bella seemed to struggle getting words out of her mouth and when having to play flustered (hey people, flustrated is not a fucking word!) appeared to become nauseous and was practically puking out her words. Combine those things with the obvious wire work and the lame blurry super speed effects and the weak prismatic sparkle effects and you're just a computer generated monster away from a SY-FY Original Movie. Which means Ali's mom will love it.
So here we are, at the monster. Say what you will about the pro-abstinence allegory or the teen love story, this tale uses one of the oldest and most widely known monsters in modern mythology. Because these creatures are so widely used, their mythology has become quite flexible. However, in this tale; they can survive just as well on animal blood as they can on humans. They have reflections. They cook Italian food (which almost always has garlic) for their house guests. They don't seem worried about wooden stakes, holy water, crosses, or fire. And sunlight just makes little rainbows shoot out of their skin. Why even call these things vampires, because they are strong fast and live forever? That's not a vampire, that's Wonder Woman. It's probably because even before this goddamn debacle vampires were the subject of the majority of Hollywood scripts. They are a gold mine, but this watered down version is akin to saying that werewolves are people who turn into Yorkshire terriers with little silver ribbons in their hair every second Wednesday afternoon in the spring time. Oh and did you hear about the Loch Ness Monster? It's a golden flying unicorn from Peru that brings toys to children on Earth Day. Scientists in Norway have uncovered the tomb of the Mummy. Mummies are robots from the future who serve tea out of their fingertips and have a hard candy shell over a core of salt water taffy. Look at me, I could be the author of an international sensation!
Seriously, the best vampires are the ones that are actually monsters. They are seductive, but not because they love you. It's because they are hungry. They don't have normal human emotions because they are not normal humans. They are hungry. Even after they kill and drink a person's blood, the first thing on their mind is who the next meal would be. They are predators. A vampire truly falling in love with a human is as likely as a butcher falling in love with a cow. Not only that, but they are dead. Death is commonly associated with cold detachment. Not eternal loving protection. A vampire, should then find it very hard to care about anything the mortal world has to offer, especially its food. Especially when it is always so very hungry. How does that sound, pretty monstrous? I know, why would you fall in love with a creature like this? It is because they can make you, because they are predators. That is what they do. That is why the traditional stories about vampires work so well, because they make love so very dangerous.
I couldn't wrap my head around the most chest hair I've ever seen on a seventeen year old boy. Or the white make-up caked on over his stubble that was so obvious we didn't even need HD to see it. That is just shoddy film making. The actress that played Bella seemed to struggle getting words out of her mouth and when having to play flustered (hey people, flustrated is not a fucking word!) appeared to become nauseous and was practically puking out her words. Combine those things with the obvious wire work and the lame blurry super speed effects and the weak prismatic sparkle effects and you're just a computer generated monster away from a SY-FY Original Movie. Which means Ali's mom will love it.
So here we are, at the monster. Say what you will about the pro-abstinence allegory or the teen love story, this tale uses one of the oldest and most widely known monsters in modern mythology. Because these creatures are so widely used, their mythology has become quite flexible. However, in this tale; they can survive just as well on animal blood as they can on humans. They have reflections. They cook Italian food (which almost always has garlic) for their house guests. They don't seem worried about wooden stakes, holy water, crosses, or fire. And sunlight just makes little rainbows shoot out of their skin. Why even call these things vampires, because they are strong fast and live forever? That's not a vampire, that's Wonder Woman. It's probably because even before this goddamn debacle vampires were the subject of the majority of Hollywood scripts. They are a gold mine, but this watered down version is akin to saying that werewolves are people who turn into Yorkshire terriers with little silver ribbons in their hair every second Wednesday afternoon in the spring time. Oh and did you hear about the Loch Ness Monster? It's a golden flying unicorn from Peru that brings toys to children on Earth Day. Scientists in Norway have uncovered the tomb of the Mummy. Mummies are robots from the future who serve tea out of their fingertips and have a hard candy shell over a core of salt water taffy. Look at me, I could be the author of an international sensation!
Seriously, the best vampires are the ones that are actually monsters. They are seductive, but not because they love you. It's because they are hungry. They don't have normal human emotions because they are not normal humans. They are hungry. Even after they kill and drink a person's blood, the first thing on their mind is who the next meal would be. They are predators. A vampire truly falling in love with a human is as likely as a butcher falling in love with a cow. Not only that, but they are dead. Death is commonly associated with cold detachment. Not eternal loving protection. A vampire, should then find it very hard to care about anything the mortal world has to offer, especially its food. Especially when it is always so very hungry. How does that sound, pretty monstrous? I know, why would you fall in love with a creature like this? It is because they can make you, because they are predators. That is what they do. That is why the traditional stories about vampires work so well, because they make love so very dangerous.
